I think I did something monumentally stupid tonight. But, I'm not sure.
There's this guy who used to work with me that I liked, and we were friends, but he's married (a year) and his wife is pregnant (8 months). So, we were just work friends.
Tonight, he called me up, asking if I wanted to go out with him for his birthday. I had been told earlier in the day that he was thinking of having a big shindig, and thought it might be nice to get out and just hang out with people. So, he came and picked me up, and we went back to his mother's house, where he's taken to hanging out. See, his wife, for whatever reason, has been keeping him on a very, very short leash. For a good part of the summer, he's been complaining about how his wife doesn't trust him, even though in the 8 years they've been together, he's never once cheated. Aparently, they bicker a lot, and he's just taken to hiding out at his mother's place. So, off we went.
Well, there was no party, except for the guy who told me that it would be a party, but he was baked out of his mind anyways. The guy and I were talking for a while, and eventually the stoner just buggered off, which was fine by us. So, we talked. And drank.
And Drank.
We ended up in his attic, drinking more and talking about his marriage, his life, mental disorders (he's obsessive compulsive, and his dad was manic depressive) and the like. Now, I should note, the guy is kinda cute, and I do like him. I... I don't know, we just seemed to really hit it off as friends. But then he starts telling me that I'm mint (translation: perfect), beautiful, all this, and asking me what he can do to "please" me. I was kinda nervous, because I think he was kinda drunk, and I know I was looped, but I let him rub my back. And my shoulders.
You can all guess what happened next.
Of all the stupid things. A married man. I've ruined a marriage. But now he's telling me that I'm special to him, and that on some level, he thinks he loves me, and that we could be soul mates...
Why do I ONLY attract the crazies?????????
So, now I feel like a complete moron. Not only because I'm a home wrecker, and because I know that what I did was wrong and stupid and I should have stopped that ball from rolling, but becaues I kinda still want to see him again.
He really made me feel special and wanted. He didn't care about my scars and spots, and he wants to help me stop picking. And I didn't realize how much I missed being held, having strong, warm hands around my waist, and truly feeling like a sexual being: like a woman. I know it sounds very steriotypical, but sometimes it takes a man (or partner) to make a person feel like... a goddess. He really made me feel good about myself.
And now I feel like the world's biggest ass.
And of course I get home and Ash is throwing a huge party, and I have to golf tomorrow... Right now I just feel like curling up in a ball and pretending tonight didn't really happen. Or shedding a few layers of skin. What's worse, is that he's 11 years my senior, but acts my age. I do feel like I've connected with him, but I think he's very confused about the reason he married his wife, and the reasons they're staying together.
I feel like slime. After what I felt tonight, I should feel refreshed and satisfied, and at least a little euphoric to get out of the rut, but...Ugh.
I'm... horrid. Or, at least that's how I feel right now. Very exhausted, dead-buzzed and whorish.