Letting go

I let go of Todd tonight.

I'm drunk as I write this, so I want to get it down now before I forget.

I sat down with him tonight, and told him everything, about how I still love him, but more than anything I want him to be happy. He told me that he's happier now than he's ever been because of T, his girlfriend. And because of me, and the other women who have told him exactly what he needed to hear. We painted a picture of him that he couldn't see on his own, that he needed to see. My words, not his, but that was the idea.

I think tonight was our goodbye.

We had our whatif's. our goodbyes, our everythings, so I think was our end. I can't lie. I will always "carry a torch for him", as Mike put it, and I will always love him. I will always yearn for him, and at night, it will always be his name I call out, begging for companionship. But, T is his other half, his soul, his armor. T and T.

I think, even though I don't like it, that tonight has to be the night that I trancend beyond the first love, beyond the man who was my everything, to the flickering image that will be. Todd, you will always be the first man I ever loved, and even now, as you hug me good bye, I feel that desperate need to feel your lips cling to yours... Is it love, or just intense lust? I'll never be sure. I think we both know. I just wanted you to curl your arms around me and never let go... But any man with two arms could fill that need for me. the one, who may or may not be out there, may fill that need more than you, only because he returns my love, but you will never be replaced.

So, now, here I am. I am a woman, alone in the world, entering the world as an infant does, once dependant on the image of another, and now experiancing the world as one, and one alone. One day, I may depend on someone more to nurture my need for love, but not you, for I have let you go.

I have let you go.

I would lie to myself to make it easier.

It's easier if I just let go.

I love you, and I will let go.

My love.