Phoenix

So, this is more for people who I don't talk to often, but who do read this.

Today, I was supposed to get a blood test done. Long story short, I panicked (test did not get done), and after a discussion with one of the doctors at the student clinic, I'm going tomorrow (well, today, technically) for an appointment to talk about antidepressants. I know I've talked about it before, but I think it's gotten out of my control. I can come home, or sit down after doing something and be giddy and motivated and happy, and within 10 minutes be compleatly miserable, to the point of tears. In the week prior to the show, there wasn't one night where I didn't fall asleep crying. And it's as scary for me as it is for the people around me. I can't be myself around anyone anymore. I can't focus on anything. I sleep for 14 hours a night and need a nap midway through the day. In short, it's starting to affect my life negativly, and if I learned anything from my psych classes, it's that when emotion starts interfering with quality of life, it's time to seek help.

Things won't change right away, of course. When I was on Zoloft in high school, they told me that it would be 6 months before I saw any real results. Of course, all I felt from them was flatness, so I'm looking at other alternatives. In any case, I'm hoping that I will be able, by the time I get back from summer holidays, to be a more stable person. I hope that I'll be less abusive of my relationships with people. I want to feel less guilty about everything. I'd really like for the pain below my sternum to go away...

I think this has been a long time in coming. In first year, I was tested for learning disabilities, and they found low self-esteem and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) to be the problem, but it never really went from there. I don't know. Maybe it's just the time of year, but I keep getting this feeling like things are about to come falling down around me. I want to be ready when that happens: I want to be able to pull myself through.

The woman I spoke to gave me a work-sheet for anxiety and "imbalanced thoughts". This is the jist for the situation from this morning:

1. Situation: Getting Blood taken
2. Moods (rate as 0-100%): anxious - 100%, nervous - 100%
3. Automatic thoughts (Images) - I'm going to pass out, I'm going to be sick, It's going to hurt (I'm 'afraid' of pain), I'm going to panic and shred the veign. I hate needles.
4. Evidance to support "Hot thoughts" - Last time I got blood taken I passed out, I feel nauseous/dizzy thinking about it(fyi, I'm lying down right now, so I'm ok), It does hurt, when I laid down on the table today I felt myself starting to panic.
5. Evidance that does not support "Hot thoughts" - These people are trained professionals who know what they're doing. It only hurts for a few minutes. Dave was (thankfully) sitting 3 feet away if anything did happen. I wasn't actually sick last time.
6. Alternative/Balanced thoughts (rate how much you believe it 0-100%) - This is something people do every day, and shouldn't bother me (5%), Even if I do pass out, I'm in a clinic, and will be fine (95%), this won't kill me (100%), I have to do it eventually, I should suck it up and get it over with (30%)
7. Mood after Completing sheet (0-100%) anxious - 40% (I'm not in the situation anymore), nervous -20% (I don't have to do it again any time soon), guilty - 75%, angry at self - 50%.

So, really, what helped was removing myself from the situation. And for the record, I still feel lightheaded thinking about it. I mean, come on! Knowing that there is a more balanced approach does not mean that the "hot thought" is going to just go away. In fact, this made me feel almost as bad as I did walking away from the clinic, and that was almost 16 hours ago.

Ok, I'll let this go for now. I"m just trying to point out that I need help with a lot more than just relationship issues, and now I'm getting it.

Huzzah.