So, here it is, "Old News" Post #1: The Obligatory Valentines Rant. You knew it had to be up here eventually. First, the Update...
Computers Midterm: Done. Don't think I did that well, but I have a compromise thing happening with myself. If all goes as planned, I should break Even.
Also: Finished Registering for all of my cources. I'm in a FULL, 30 Credit year next year, which I haven't truly done since first year. I'm in:
ENGL Genre: Romance
ENGL Studies in Drama (the Lit cource, not the Theatre one)
PSYC Learning
PSYC Psychology of Education
ENGL Children's Literature
PSYC Adult/Child Development
So, we carry on with the list. See how far I get tonight... I'll leave you with the Valentines Rant:
Be Still, my Bleeding Heart… (Written Feb 14/05)
So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, another Valentines Day, and I'm alone. No posies or sweets from amorous suitors, no love letters, and no snugglies. I feel a bit torn about the whole affair. Valentines, really, is a Hallmark holiday, created to bolster the sales of cards, flowers and heart-shaped nickity-naks. St. Valentine, aparently, didn't even exist. So, being as pointless and commercial as it is, I shouldn't even be bothered with it…
On the other hand, despite the false sentimentality and the day's superficial nature, I would really like to be involved in a romantic relationship. I want to be swept off my feet, whisked off to a night of coffee and conversation, maybe a movie, and then plunge deeply into a sea of emotional and physical bliss. I want the gaudy flowers and the expensive chocolates. I want to lie in the warm embrace of another, not alone, at home, in a cold twin bed. Even if for one night, I want to be treated like the girls on TV, with astounded, testosterone-riddled boyfriends.
About 6 years ago today, I had my first experience of Valentines Day with a boyfriend… He dumped me. He said he didn't believe in the day, that it was a sham made up for inattentive husbands to make up for the other 364 days of neglect. Pretty astute for a high school senior who never graduated. Ever since, I've been alone on this day, not always out of choice. Last year, I received a single, long-stemmed rose from a close friend, and it made my day/week/month. At first it seemed silly and clichéd, but then I realized: It was a token of affection. It was some proof that, somewhere out there, there was someone who cared enough to buy into the hype for one day and celebrate the depth of our friendship.
By the look of things, I will be spending my Valentines alone at home until about 4pm, reading. Then Mom will probably bring home panzerottis, which is basically a medium cheese/ground beef pizza folded in half and deep-fried or baked, and then we'll go to Nan's for desert. A far cry from banter and innuendo over beers (which would have been perfect), but at least I will be spending time with people I love, and people who love me back.
I feel hollow inside. Like I want to cry, but what's the point. My last relationship was a classic (however failed) rebound, and barring that, I've (technically) been alone for better than 3 years now. I've had flings, and I have a deeply-rooted, spiritual/emotional/physical relationship, but nothing has, or will, come of any of them. In regards to the latter, he asked me when I last saw him, whether our relationship was hurting me more that it was benifiting me. He told me that he would "end it" (or cut ties) if it was (which would hurt me more than anything else he could possibly do, by the by…) I told him that it hurt, but I've accepted that that pain is a part of what we have, and I can deal with it. Tonight, I wonder. Only because, I know that there's a good chance that he won't be spending tonight alone. Then, I was healed. Tonight, it hurts. Not because of him, but because of me. I want things that don't, or can't, exist. We've been over this. It doesn't matter, really. Love is unyeilding, unfading and unfailing…At least, for me.
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