March 30, 2010

Still Not New...

Nothing has really changed in the last few days.

Last night I had another one of those earth shattering, can't breathe, panic attack nights with Adam where he mentioned something off hand and everything crumbled around me.

I realized that my life isn't at all where I want it to be. And though I am working to change it, the universe (and the economy) isn't really working with me. I know that beggars can't be choosers, but I still for some reason believe that I'm somehow better than being a McWorker, a drive thru jockey... and somehow I guess I've fooled myself into believing that it's better to be one of the (as Adam so colourfully puts it) "Pajama pants people". As though it makes sense that if I can't have the job I want (probably because it doesn't exist), then I may as well do nothing.

I've reasoned myself into believing that the money I get from EI can't be matched by working at a McJob. And, to some extent, that's true. But I think I"ve put the bar a little too high. Can I really expect to get an office admin job without the Office Admin diploma? Can I really get a job at the level I had without getting experiance somehow?

All of this came up because of going home for easter (sorry mom...). I know that both of my parents love me and care about me. I know that my mom supports me. I also know the line of questions I'm going to get when I get home, and I know that no matter how much I rehearse the answers, nothing I have to say will be good enough.

What's my plan? I don't know. I had a plan, it's gone now.
What are you doing for the cause? Well, I'm volunteering again, and I'm leaving the house on a daily basis. I search for jobs every day, and I know it's hard to believe, but there really aren't any jobs that I'm qualified to do right now. It's not that I don't want to work, and no, I don't like living on a government handout, but right now, I don't have a lot of choice.
How are you paying your rent and your bills? What about your OSAP? Well, I'm paying back what I can. I don't have to pay back OSAP right now. Am I living comfortably? No, not really, strings are pretty tight right now. No, I don't know when I'll have everything paid off now.

And then it's not questions, but statements. "You can't just sit back and wait for something to come to you." "I know it's nice to sit back and do nothing, and you're saying you're healing or whatever, but Lace, you've gotta grow up."

I know all of this. Bashing me over the head with it is not helping. If anything, it's contributing to that little voice in my head that's telling me that I screwed up big.

Well, yeah. I screwed up. Big. But part of being an adult is screwing up Big and dealing with it. It's not like I intentionally chose a bad time to screw up just to be difficult. I don't enjoy this. But man, is it teaching me stuff. It's teaching me, for one, that I don't really want to do this again, which means that next time I need to change jobs, I should probably have somewhere to go first, rather than resigning then job hunting. It's teaching me that I place too much of my identity on my career, because when I left, I lost what was left of who I thought I was.

Ok, enough venting. I just get frustrated (and angry and scared and sad and freaked out) when I think about where I am now and where as a young and naive student, I thought I would be by the time I hit 26. Last night time got way too real for me. I'm half way to 50. In September I'll have been completely out of School for 2 years.

Again, none of this is shockingly new. I've been repeating the same thing over and over. My next post will probably consist of "Ok, time for change", followed by a MeMe or something fluffy, then this post re-written. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I don't have anything zippy for the last sentance. Sorry...

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