February 16, 2009


I know it's been a while since I've posted... Honestly, the reason for that is the same reason for everything lately. I'm bloody exhausted. I thought a three-day weekend would help, but I slept through one day, so it didn't really count (seriously, I slept for about 15 hours from friday evening through saturday afternoon, and I'm still all sorts of dragging).

Basically, what happened in the last 2 weeks to cause this is work exploding in my face like a hot pie with enough c-4 strapped to it to put a serious dent in the City of North Bay... Needless to say, I"m now putting in a full 5 days a week with Field Ops. I mean, yay for that, and the money's fantastic, but I"m temporarily running the show too, which isn't as easy as one would think. There are 2 fundraisers and like, 4 other programs that I have to be well versed in to manage everything, and still cover First Aid.

I think the most dificult part of it all is the "Me First" attitude that seems to come with the job... and not so much a "Sparky first", though I've been getting better at it... No, it's more a "I MUST have all of MY needs met before anyone else!!!!" kind of feeling. It's really difficult to prioritize when everyone's screaming at you that x has to be done beftore y and y has to be done before z, even though v is your job, and w is part of v, and w needs to get done so w and f can happen, but n has to be done by end of the day, or r won't happen...

Confused? Yeah, that's me all the time.

I'm starting to get the hang of some of it though, which is nice. And I've had tremendous help and support, but really, though this was my eventual... thought-path of where things would go, I never thought it would be like this... never so fast either. And it's gotten me thinking... How many 24 year olds land their dream job right out of school? I should feel lucky, but instead I"m worried... what happens after this? I mean, how far can this go before things change? What do you do when you're dream is fulfilled if you're not old enough (or rich enough) to retire?

I worry about a lot of things recently... Seems my head's always spinning. I have to put things into lists and steps and simple processes... sometimes it's all I can do to type. a. sentance. and spelling went right out the window this time last week... I think my inner dyslexic is showing.

woh nac uoy llet?

You can never stay feeling too good for too long either. It seems like everytime you get into a good groove and staprt working like a well maintained freight train, just plowing through it all, something hits you like a friggin wall, knocks you off the tracks, blows up the dining car, and totally deflates you.

That's the really hard one. I'm used to dealing with people who are well intentioned, but sound blunt, not people who are flat out beligerant and RUDE.

How the hell do you write a nasty letter to a not for profit? Srsly??

On Friday, at work, at about 2pm, I just lost it. I couldn't even piece together a coherant thought anymore, so I started drawing pictures instead. I felt bad, because I accomplished nothing, but I really, honestly had nothing left in me. I don't think I've ever really felt that way before, just mentally and physically exhausted to that point. I couldn't even type. I think I'm going to have to put a sketch pad in my office. More days like that will come.

I don't really dread going into work tomorrow... I just know I won't be able to think. First thing tomorrow, I"m throwing EVERYTHING off my desk so that it's completely bare. No calanders, no paperwork, no cards or pens... just a cold, bare, pressed mock-wood surface. I think then, I"m going to rest my forehead on that surface for a moment, centre myself, and take things exactly one piece at a time, until I'm spent.

That's kind of the way everything's going right now.

I'm hoping the momentum slowes, just a little.

I was talking to Adam today, and my mind went in 8 different directions, all of them good and interesting. Like, I don't know when we're going to go to Florida, but I'd like to go somewhere and lie on a beach... maybe I should start tanning again. I really liked the feeling of the warmth and the light on my skin, even if it will give me cancer (what won't, really?). And I've been thinkign about getting my nails done again, like I used to in high school... I'm kind of waiting for an occasion though. We'll see.

I'm hoping this insomnia clears soon.

sleep comes in fits and starts, and I don't always like my dreams. Sometiems they're about things crashing down. I don't like that. Last night, they were about crazy purple corsets.

I didn't like the hat though.

God, I need a week of sleep.

1 comment:

Onii said...

*hugs and cuddles* Hang in there, you'll get the hang of things. Just don't get burned out, eh? =) You're in my thoughts!